.what to do.

when you are not sure…

.with this blank expression.

 

Last Night
I Couldn’t Even Get An Answer
I Tried To Call
But My Pride Wouldn’t Let Me Dial
And I’m Sitting Here
With This Blank Expression
And The Way I Feel
I Wanna Curl Up Like A Child
-P. Diddy n Keyshia Cole

Play games with life. Act like a child. End up with blank expressions. Wordless speeches. And then wish you were just a kid. Who could curl up. Or not care.

.makin a fool.

…of yourself. Then what…

.simple but not.

“my head hurts” not physically. not because i am tired. not ‘i need advil’ to stop this pain. more of…there’s too much going on inside my head. does that make sense. i wish i could just shut it off. how can you ever mentally rest when you are stuck with the happenings and constant rantings in ur head. you can’t. its funny, there’s nothing like the activties of life that one will try and occupy themselves with to take over your mental background and barely but surely put enough pause on it to think of something not regarding your world. i don’t know. lol. i’m not complaining, dont get me wrong, and there’s actually nothing in particular wrong but subhan Allah there’s a lot cooking anyway and its simmering right now because finals demand attention and even though there not getting their due they seem to do enough to keep everything else backseat. i want life to be simple. By Allah i know i would achieve more mental relief if i would just go pray instead of sit here releasing thoughts in words which by the way will do no good i know but i am still in the process of learning to conquer my d— human nature. they say there was this man, im not sure if he was a tabieen or just a scholar who prayed for almost 2 decades before he achieved and experienced the sweetness ofprayer and he actually felt physical comfort from it. but how long was he devotedly at it for without giving up. yearssss. family, friends, community, expectations, work, school, religion, obligations, problems, REALLY its all so relative its soooo relative in the grave. so why. why. why does it all become so boggling day to day. why. where has the simplicity that Allah offered us through Islam, gone.

I’m just tired. forgive me for my rantings.

.well-nigh luminous.

The night was dark; the kind of dark that welcomes you with open arms. The moon and stars in the sky lit the world with a soft glow. By this glow you could quite clearly see a bridge passing over water, cars racing along its confines to the other sides. If you focused a little more you could make out each car as they went along. Focus even more, and in a slightly unexpected place and you could see a girl.

She sat as well as she could, hidden away from the cars and looking down at the water, her legs hanging into the dark space beneath her. Her face was streaked with tears, and if anyone was watching, they would see she made no effort to brush the still wet tears aside. She just sat, staring at the water with an almost blank face. Almost.

There was thought flickering behind those eyes. There was worry and fear and helplessness. There was weakness, despite the strength she sometimes showed. There were a thousand different things shown in a thousand different moments. Memory-scenes played through her mind. Songs drifting in and out of her consciousness. Words, shapes, colours, smells. Tears.

She thought of the water. It looked almost peaceful, almost perfect. The night made it look velvety smooth, and the breeze rising gently from below teased her legs, making her want to feel it rushing past her. It was a long way down.

She thought of all the people she knew. All the people she loved. She knew that at least some of them loved her in return. She thought of their faces and glanced up at the night sky for a moment. When she returned her gaze to the water, the beautiful water, all thought of them was gone. She thought she could almost see something down there… A flicker in the water, a light. At first she thought it a reflection, something the only served to make the surface prettier. But the longer it held her gaze, the more it became.

It was a light that meant everything she needed. It was strength, it was warmth, it was bigger then the mind could fully understand, it was… perfect. A smile crept onto the girls face.

She slowly rose to her feet, the breeze still drifting to her, calling her. She took one more glance at the light below, the notion that held all the answers. She closed her eyes for just a moment. Worries no longer held burden. Nothing small mattered. The mind was at peace.

.the mind never stops talking.

I’ve had a total of one blog prior to this one which i abandoned for quite some time. I would’ve continued on it but i feel like it expresses a part of me from an older chapter so I opted with starting a new place to rant/vent/express in from time to time. I’m not a religious or daily writer but I’m somewhat eager to lay out the ramblings of my mind once again. Any feedback is welcome. 🙂